What was I doing three days ago? Bailey sat at her desk pondering.
She cannot even recall what she ate for breakfast; how was she expected to remember what she had been doing three nights ago? She had been sitting in the same spot for an hour, reading and going over the letter that rested in front of her. She peered over at the alarm clock on the stand. Ten’ o ‘two am Michael would call her, he regularly called her in the morning. He insisted it was because his day could not commence till he heard her voice but she learned he was checking in on her. Bailey needed to find her cellphone, it was not plugged in next to her bed like it typically was.
Then again, she was a master at losing her phone. She vowed that thing was a ninja, in her mind it had legs of its own and found places to hide from her. Jacob would become frustrated with her because he would call her and she would not answer. Bailey’s cellphone would be dead under some clothes somewhere and the only measure to uncover it was to turn the apartment upside down and deep clean it. He teased her about implanting it to her hand so she would never lose it. She heaved herself up out of the chair and launched her search and cleaning. She was already behind schedule for the day and she would pay for it if she didn’t get to stepping.
Bailey suffered from manic bipolar which in her case was a severe depression. She battled this illness her whole existence, Jacob was the only person she had ever met that had a necessary awareness of what she went through regularly. She chose to let her mind have a rest from this uneasy note. She needed to get started with her routine or her day would be ruined and would end in a breakdown. Bailey didn’t need to put Jacob through another one of her break downs and routine was important now that she altogether stopped taking her prescription.
It was time to start with tidying her apartment. Glancing at her bed, her blankets were flung here and there. She noticed from looking at her bed she must have had bad dreams. She picked up her comforter and stuck it in the laundry bin, fresh sheets made for a decent nights rest. Bailey picked up the clothes spread out on the floor. Bailey grew discouraged, she did not recall making such a clutter. Memory loss was normal when a manic break down happened. Its like your brain does not wish you for you to remember your performance.
She chose the outfit she preferred to put on after her shower and arranged them precisely on the bed and started her way to the kitchen. She had a couple of containers in the sink, it took her 10 minutes to tidy and throw the trash into a bag, she set the bag by the bathroom door.
She spun and faced the living room; she admired how small her apartment was but it made it look so trashy when she skipped cleaning. She carried trash to the bag and straightened up the cushions on the couch. She sat down for a minute.
“Why can’t I remember my days?” Bailey groaned out loud.
She was agitated with herself for losing record of the days. She had ceased taking her prescriptions two weeks ago. It had been a settlement she passed with her boyfriend. Jacob had become upset with her for not caring about his emotions, she had to point out to him that the pills controlled her attitude. She did care; she certainly did, but the medicine staled her reactions. He had committed to helping her wean off of them. Dr. Hillman had pleaded with her not to just quit cold turkey, but she was tired of enduring life like a zombie.
For three weeks, Jacob had remained right by her side, but suddenly his grandmother had to have surgery so he traveled to be with her. She needed to stick around here; she had a job and could not take off anymore. Bailey called in a bunch with her down periods, some days it was physically impossible to get out of bed. Her coming off the tablets had been tougher than she imagined. The voices that had been muffled thanks Dr. Hillman’s meds. She would have to discover a more natural process to hush them again but for right this moment she desired to uncover her phone and figure out what she has accomplished for these three days. The restroom was the last area on her list to clean, her cellphone was possibly in there.
Bailey liked to read columns and play games in the bath and on the potty. She reached to turn the knob…it was locked.
“Damn it.” Bailey growled. She had shut herself out of the bathroom again. This was not the first occasion. The latch was so iffy that it slid into the locked position at the slightest breeze. Stompping off to the kitchen to grab the trusty butter knife that she used so many times before to break into the cramped room. The wood had nicks in it; she had done this time and time again. After five minutes of fighting it she decided she did not have the patience to battle this lock; she would call the landlord and have him change the whole handle. Her day was going to be rough; there was no chance of preserving it. She took a deep breath and headed towards her room.
She dressed herself while mental accepting her phone was most likely in the bathroom. She turned and faced the laundry basket for her dirty night gown when the note snagged her attention anew. She paused in her strides. She mentally debated about reading it again. Bailey sighed, she had nothing better to do at the moment, everything was at a stand still.
She drifted over to the sheet and explored it further.
It was a hundred percent in her handwriting; she noticed her signature at the bottom. She studied the paper, torn from one of her journals. It was part of her therapy to keep a diary to further maintain a log of her depression, with that thought she opened the drawer of her desk and plucked it out. Maybe she could get answers and fill in the blanks for her. The last journal entry was three nights ago.
November 14, 2017
Tonight is my first night alone. Jacob’s grandma has become sick, and he has left to be by her side.
He tucked me in and gave me the softest kiss he has ever given me. It felt like a goodbye forever.
I am sad he left. cannot sleep without him next to me. I realize I gripe about him stealing the blankets but I am so lonely without him. I wish I had just left with him. I detest my job anyways why do I care if I lose it. They would not even notice if I did not show. No one acknowledged I was gone. I believe I will watch a movie and I can rest and text him till I fall asleep.
It will be a lengthy night.
Wish me luck.
Bailey closed the diary and remained there in silence. The image of that night rushed back. She had seen a romance movie, and the voice shrieked at her. It was a rough night. She had struggled to busy herself with eating but ended up making herself sick. She stood bare in the bathroom staring at her body in the mirror and growing sick with herself further. Jacob had gone in the hospital and had stopped texting her back. She recalled how she felt dismissed and sobbed.
Bailey was yanked from her gloomy reflections by the noise of keys in the front door bolt.
“Jacob!” she was up and rushing to embrace him.
“Where have you been?” He said walking right past her heading towards the room
“Why have you not been returning my phone calls? Did you lose your phone?” Jacob sounded genuinely concerned.
“I misplaced my phone again, I had a break the other night, and I lost track of the days. I am sorry baby,” she said following him into the room.
He was pausing over the desk, he was standing over the note. She could not see his face but she felt it fill with sorrow.
“I don’t remember writing that love. I don’t recall moments from the last couple of days, I am so delighted to see you.” Bailey murmured.
“I missed you so much, I am overjoyed you are home.”she proceeded.
Jacob did not reply, he pulled out his phone.
“Hi, did Bailey show up for work?” he was talking to one of her co-workers. He stood there listening the person on the other line.
“I don’t remember going to work.” Bailey was answering from behind him.
He did a walk through of the whole house. She followed him.
“I cleaned it to surprise you. How was your grandma?” she tried to ease the mood.
Jacob tried the bathroom door, he was frustrated it was locked. He didn’t get the butter knife, he kicked it in.”Are you insane, they are going to make me pay for that damn it.” Bailey yelled at Jacob.
He went to his knees. He started wailing.
“Baby what is wrong?” It startled Bailey.
She peered past him. In the tub she laid. Her skin looked porcelain under the water.
Her mind flooded.
She had chosen the little black dress she had sported on her first date with Jacob. Bailey had thrown the clothes from the wardrobe searching for it. Then she carefully collected the pills that was suppose to help her learn to relax and swallowed them. She hurriedly drew an icy bath and settled in it. It was intense but not for a long, she drifted peacefully into a forever sleep. Bailey stood over her body it made sense now. She could not relive her days because she was not living. She had not been through them.
Bailey strolled past Jacob on the floor dialing 911 and floated into her bedroom straight for the note she had left behind on the desk.
My dear love Jacob.
I am so grateful for your existence in my life. I love you more than you could ever understand.
You are my rock when the river is trying to engulf me.
You are my light in the dark.
You make getting out of bed worth it with your lame jokes.
I cannot overwhelm you with my condition any longer.
I know the toll it holds for us.
I don’t prefer you to suffer any longer.
I am going to silence that voice once and for all.
Where I am going the voices cannot follow.
I am going to be set not only myself free but I am setting you free.
Please don’t mourn me.
I am content now.
I am free.
Live your life and be joyful.
I love you
She realized the room was still messy.
Bailey had not cleaned.
The whole day was something she imagined.
The room started to spin.
Then she saw his face, and it stood still.
Jacob came back into the room; he started to go over the message.
Bailey leaned in close and gave him a peck on the cheek.
“There are no more voices.” she confided to him.
She turned and strode out of the room and thus wandered out of her apartment.
She was ultimately at peace.